Have you ever experienced something or witnessed someone else who was experiencing great sorrow and wonder, where is God? After you have prayed and been patient, you know when you have done everything a “Person of Faith” should do, and yet the worst of outcomes becomes the reality?
Where is God? Is God Real?
This is called a Crisis of Faith. I consider myself a person of faith, a Christian to be precise. I am clergy and hold a doctorate in Theology and Yet, I have experienced doubt and questioned why I even bother with God. I have believed in God, through Jesus, for what seems like all of my life. Even still there was once a time when I wondered where God was or even if God is…
I felt like I was suffocating. I was angry. I was in such emotional and spiritual pain, I can swear to you that it seem to manifest itself in the form of physical pain; I hurt everywhere. I got into my car thinking that a ride alone would calm my nerves and my doubts. Thunder and lightning was the backdrop for this self-soothing endeavor. “God, again, AGAIN, AGAIN!!!!” I screamed out loud, I was pissed!!! How many times would I have to satisfy myself with the belief that my unborn babies were with God? She/he already had 3 of them, why couldn’t God just let me have the two I was carrying, why?!!!!
“What do you want from me? Do you believe I would love them more, are you jealous?” I yelled to the heavens. God did not answer. At least not in the way we see on television.
After taking a week off, I was a High School English teacher, I returned right before Christmas break. It was all that I could do to keep it together. My Homeroom class greeted me with gifts and a presentation. One of them had written a beautiful poem about me as Mother. They went on to say how I was like their school mother. They said that they trusted me and loved me, and that they were sure my babies were with God. At this point I could only wipe my tears as each took their turn at a hug.
As the days and the weeks went by and as I learned that my husband was not open to adoption, therefore if I were to be his wife I would be stuck with “Empty Arms” in the midst of such sorrow, I began to experience something. I was deeply saddened, depressed, and angry with my husband, God, my body…Life! I began to experience comfort, even peace.
It is hard to articulate, hard, but I want to tell you that it was God. Do not get me wrong, God did not take me out of my suffering-My grief. It was as if God set down on the floor beside and cried with me. I felt warmth cover me. As I rocked myself to sleep and I cried my pillow wet, God was holding me. God sent people, children, family, friends, to minister to me. Everyday I got better, stronger; I became more myself but better.
WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE~
It was in this particular place that I learned it is best that we not evaluate God in midst of our storms. The emptiness and pain I experienced felt insurmountable. What I am telling you is that I could not have survived whole without the LOVE that seem to sit with me in my pain. Even though God did not make it stop, God was there; I felt God’s presences. I learned then and many times since and yes, even before (When I allow myself to remember) that experience that God may not remove the pain but God does not leave us alone in it-That is one of the promises of God.
I also learned God can handle my doubt, my anger, and any question that I ask. If you are wondering, I am still a woman of faith – I believe. Crisis has been averted and am sure God is real because I experienced God in my valley and desert places.
By the way, I never became a biological mother but there was a young man of 14 who was abandoned by his family in every way that mattered. My former husband and myself looked out for him. He would eventually come to live with us and then me alone. He calls me Mom today.
Hold on Beloved –